How to Improve Sentences

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Always look to see how to improve sentences by applying some of the principles illustrated below:

>>> If a sentence has two WITHs, eliminate at least one of them:

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: After the initial power-up, the display should show the PRO-FIX operator screen with a rectangular pop-up window with the following two “Logon ID” and “Password” messages.

BETTER: After the initial power-up, the display shows the PRO-FIX operator screen where a rectangular pop-up window displays the “Logon ID” and “Password” text fields.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: We were happy with that summer vacation home arrangement since it came with its own cleaning service.

BETTER: We were happy with that summer vacation home arrangement since it included cleaning service.

>>> Use active voice:

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: If the Operator Logon window is not visible, any key that is pressed will bring up the window.

BETTER: If the Operator Logon window is not visible, press any key to bring it up.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: Once the startup condition is attained, the first-time user may log on to the M-26 PANEL.

BETTER: After the startup, the first-time user may log on to the M-26 PANEL.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: It is strongly recommended that the PRO-FIX default account be disabled and new ones with secure passwords are added before the system is certified for normal everyday use.

BETTER: Disable the PRO-FIX default account and add a new one with a secure password before the system is certified for normal everyday use.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: Having broken the milk bowl, the kitten hid under the bed.

BETTER: After breaking the milk bowl, the kitten hid under the bed.

>>> Avoid multiple use of the same verb (or its derivatives) within the same sentence.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: As discussed earlier, the GET command is used to configure the M-26 PANEL for use in the G-24 network.

BETTER: As discussed earlier, the GET command is used to configure the M-26 PANEL as a part of the G-24 network.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: Her speech spoke to the choir.

BETTER: During her speech she addressed a crowd of believers.

>>> Avoid sentence fragments with verb participles:

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: If using RS-485 wires to communicate between the PRO-FIX server and M-26 PANEL, ports P2 and P3 are available and configured as slave buses by default.

BETTER: If you are using RS-485 wires to communicate between the PRO-FIX server and M-26 PANEL, ports P2 and P3 are available and configured as slave buses by default.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: The LAN cabling can connect to Ethernet A or B connections.

BETTER: You can connect the LAN cable to Ethernet-A or Ethernet-B terminals.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE: Configuring the M-26 PANEL in the preferred order will also shorten the amount of time that’s required for configuration by reducing the amount of back-and-forth item modification.

BETTER: If you configure the M-26 PANEL in the preferred order it will shorten the configuration time by reducing the amount of back-and-forth modification of the individual items.

Never miss an opportunity to improve your sentences to increase end-user satisfaction and thus the success of your project an assignment.

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